theforbiddengardenoflust @ Piczo.com

procrastination

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 14:06:49 +0100

I'm procrastinating sleep, I love sleep but I just don't look forward to waking up early tomorrow for work. Does that even make any sense at all? I don't look forward to waking up tomorrow so I don't want to sleep.. therefore making myself more tired and grumpy when I do eventually sleep and have to wake up. Or maybe if I don't sleep at all then I won't have to get up as I will already be up. Then again, I am out tomorrow night as it is new years eve, so I guess I will fall asleep.

I drew this because I was bored, and plus I have no other photo to post yet.

Sleeping in my underwear = best feeling

I hope you're as happy as you're pretending

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 04:33:11 +0100

I don't really know how to explain how I feel right now, like you'd think I'd be so tired that I couldn't even function properly. I mean I was up all night with friends, didn't get to sleep till about six/six thirty in the morning, I had shitty sleep which I will explain, and now it is so hot and I have work at four thirty and my work does not have air con and it is terrible.

Anyway so yesterday I hung out with me best friend, she got her hair done and we just chilled. Then me my brother and sister went to see dad over dinner out, blah blah. My best friend said she was taking me out after to meet some of her other friends so I got home about 7.30 and text her and she rang and told me that she was just at their place and would come up and pick me up at 9 latest so yeah i didn't mind waiting. It got to about 10pm and I was feeling pretty shit about everything. I would have appreciated a text saying that she was going to be late but whatever. I just started thinking about everything and it just got to me. I didn't want to start crying though because it was just silly to cry over.

Finally get picked up and go back to her house, chill out and other things, made heaps of food ha. Then when it came to about 2.30am maybe even 3.30 i don't remember, i got into bed and by now it was just me my best friend and the guy she was interested in and another guy friend of both her and him. They were all up and awake still, i was knackered. Then me and the other guy friend just sat talking, then I said that it was okay if he wanted to sleep in this bed just as a friendly gesture i guess, just so he didn't have to sleep downstairs when all of us were upstairs. Anyway so we were listening to my ipod for a bit and then he kissed me on the cheek. And yeah you know it was cute and nice but all i could think, why, why does it always come to this? But anyway, because i'm a push over and i don't really know if I was just going along with it for his sake, i let him kiss me a few times. Then he started getting pretty .. passionate and that was okay but by this time it was five thirty and i just wanted to sleep. So i wasn't really trying to seem into it.

Then, he started saying something about how he hasn't liked a girl since his last ex cheated on him, and I just has bells going off in my head. He brought the whole feelings and emotions into it and I just felt overwhelmed and panicked because then I started thinking about everything else and how that person would think of me now if he knew and I just couldn't handle it but i kept my cool. I just, not straight out which i should have at the start but i kind of walked myself into the situation, i pretty much said that I didn't to carry on or anything and i just wanted to sleep which was okay. But he cuddled me all night and it was so hot, and he kept moving and I just got shit all sleep. I just wanted to be in my bed, my own bed. And yeah it may be nice to have someone cuddling you, but these weren't nice for me, all i could do is think, worry and they didn't mean anything to me. Nothing does anymore. I try to have feelings for people, even the slightest, but I don't, I feel nothing towards other people. What I do is just meaningless and stupid. That is why I no longer like to just do these things with people i am not involved with, it just makes me feel sad afterwards and angry and annoyed. I just hate how it always comes to that. Can't we just be friends, with no sexual benefits?

obviously not with some people

what are you afraid of?

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 14:28:54 +0100

It seems all of us are somewhat run by a fear or fears that we have within us or outside of our control. These fears seem to make us who we are more than anything. Afraid to get into a situation where you will be humiliated, we stay introverted and solitude. Afraid of being nothing, forgotten. We become that person we think everyone thinks is great and funny.. popular. But we're still afraid, it runs us like fuel. People say 'don't let fear run your lives' but what really happens if you are not afraid of anything, at all? Some fears are for our own good, they keep us alive, keep us out of trouble, keep the ones we love. I think if someone has absolutely no fears, that isn't true, they have a fear. And that fear would be of having fears. Make sense?

I'm afraid of a lot of things, my whole life is run by anxiety, some days I handle it a lot better and others not so well. I'm afraid of little things, silly things, deep and more psychological things. So I might just tell you the ones I can think of now:

Garbage trucks. Lawn Mowers. Pool cleaners. Enclosed spaces. Being trapped. Burning alive. Drowning. Upsetting people. Sleeping alone. The paranormal. Mirrors. Bath tubs that have been filled for over a night. Dark rooms with open doors. Closets. When cars stop behind me or in front of me. Being thought badly of. People saying horrible things about me. Someone I love dying. Losing someone close completely even though they are still alive. Being home alone for long periods of time. Noises in the walls. Flickering lights. Knives. Being attacked. Getting into embarrassing/awkward situations.

Those are just some I could think of, some of them are weird. Garbage trucks? You may think, I don't know but I seem to have this paranoia that somethings are just out to cause harm to me. What are some of your fears?

finally

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 05:31:50 +0100

My internet has been down for a couple of days, so now it is fixed, for now, at least I don't know if it will stay like this, im hoping so. So I haven't been on because of that.

Finding the will to clean my bedroom eludes me.

Work has been pissing me off, expecting me to know that they put me on the roster to work a day I don't usually work, and not tell me until the morning when I've already made plans, seriously. I want to find a new job, partly because I just need to get away from him, I can't keep working in the same place as him, it just brings me down.

'What I learnt this year' (2011)

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 05:18:47 +0100

I've learnt a difficult lesson in this past year, god I've been learning it over the past two or three years. But in the last year it has hit me hard. The lesson on misery, human suffering and the pain of love, loss and loneliness. I've learnt that misery is somewhat like a disease, a cancer.

It spreads through the blood stream, affecting every part of our bodies and creates numbness. Breathing gets that tiny bit harder, ache in places you never felt before. It creates this gaping black hollow hole in our chests, it isn’t metaphorical, it can be felt and it feels real. Memories of times before the disease are swallowed and the black hole expands further until all we are is just a black dark mass. Like a slowest form of suicide. But again it is all in our heads. You know how some people believe in 'Mind of Matter' that you could cure yourself from a terminal disease if you just willed yourself to be better. That is what misery is like. It is all in your own hands, but if you don't wish to overcome it you won't.

I also learnt that just because you love someone, doesn't mean you should stay together. Ignoring the fact that you are unhappy because of them by trying to focus on the better times does nothing, it doesn't make you happy, it makes you an empty wreck. Sometimes you have to be strong enough to leave and stay gone, you have to try not be afraid of the loneliness and of the nights where you just want their scent on your pillow so you can feel close to them. You have to try not hurt over the thoughts and memories when things were simple and you were happy. Because you will be happy again, eventually.

You just have to want to be happy, you are the only thing standing in your way. We are our own enemies sometimes, we are the only ones who have control over ourselves. It may not feel like it, and it may feel like everything is going out of its way to drive us to the edge.

So I have learnt a long lesson on human suffering, and I'm still learning, still surviving.

My heart and I were buried in dust;

Sun, 25 Dec 2011 12:50:32 +0100

Once again in a sad mood, about to just go watch that Red Dog movie to depress myself further.

Does anyone have a person they wish they could just, get along with or never have to remember/see them ever again? Because it just hurts so much, and no matter how hard you try to be happy, you just don't know who you are anymore. It is like you don't have an identity, you are hollow and empty, and when you see them you just long for that time when you felt you had a purpose. Why does it become so terrible afterwards, it is all great for people to say that is how people move on and deal with it, but it doesn't stop hurting me. All i ever feel is hurt.
And people are always telling me not to worry, and not to get upset of things people do and say, sure that is all dandy, but it doesn't change the fact that it is upsetting and i'm allowed to get sad.
Also, when this one person won't leave you alone and is always saying they are always here for you, and they think you are great and all that. Yeah thanks but that doesn't change anything. I mean it would if you were a person I wanted to hear that from, but you are not, and won't ever be. And yes that sounds harsh but i have no compassion for anyone anymore, not even myself sometimes.

You're all I need when I'm holding you tight
If you walk away I will suffer tonight

please. why am I left as the pathetic one who just wants to get along all the time :(

somewhere deep inside of these bones, an emptiness began to grow

Sun, 25 Dec 2011 07:52:02 +0100

I have quite a headache, or one coming along soon enough.

It seems I really have not accomplished anything today, even though it is Christmas, are you supposed to accomplish anything on Christmas? I don't know, I just wanted to do something interesting, but it was so damn hot. ugh.

It was so sunny and lovely, now the sky is grey and miserable. Wish it would make its mind up. I just feel like watching movies and eating chocolate.

p.s: I'd make a video if I had suggestions on what to talk about. Plus, woohoo the text is actually working for once.

'I feel it in my fingers' lol

Sun, 25 Dec 2011 02:33:26 +0100

I wonder what today is, well lets have a look at Facebook because about 12.01am there was at least five or six statuses about Christmas, ha. I decided to say happy Halloween to everyone because "we can live like jack and sally and have Halloween on Christmas and we'll wish this never ends' lol. A nightmare before Christmas is a good movie. Though no one got my reference really :(

Well on my list of gifts I got this morning, was a laptop, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey. And because my mother's partner Phil has his networks as he is a principle of a high school, i have everything on it, like all the Microsoft office programs, the newest adobe programs (like photoshop etc) so I'm pretty thrilled. As soon as i hooked it up to our internet I downloaded Google chrome and I was away! ha I;'m pretty stoked that on it, i can upload photos to this via Google chrome. My desktop computer used to make me have to go on Internet Explorer to upload photos, was a pain. Also got an ipod dock to listen to my tunes, a big journal YES, um other little bits and bobs which were lovely.

Shit sleep last night, was practically naked as it was so hot, but I still just couldn't fall asleep till the early hours of the morning so I'm feeling pretty knackered still. And sick, I always feel sick in the mornings for as long as i have known.

And I will always remember you as you are right now to me.

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 12:02:01 +0100

Anyone else agree that the big picture on the homepage makes them feel 'forever alone' or just very lonely. Truth is, i will spend my christmas like the last, unhappy, the only difference is that last year I was with a boy I'd do anything for, and this I'd do anything to just move along. ha.

Work was shitty, got up early for my morning shift, get there, get told, hey you aren't working til one today (it is 10am at the time) and I'm like, really i never got told this at all, no one even told me there was a special roster, i have not seen it anywhere. But of course it is never their fault, it is my fault for just not being able to read minds you know. Anyway, it was hot, 35 degrees today, and even worse in the supermarket cause we have no air con :( it is such a old building and it was busy. I got out late, because today we shut at five but everyone was just piling in like five minutes to five, i hate it when people do that, i mean fuck off and do your shopping earlier. I have a life too you know.

Anyway, I got upset because I can't understand this charade, i just want to say to him "why do you hate me so much?" I've done nothing to deserve it, it just feels horrible. Why do we have to be like this, we don't have to, I am such an easy character to be pleasant, you are making it like so, horrible and awkward. I hate it so much, but I won't say anything because you know, there is no point, if you were genuine you'd come around and not treat me in this way, I don't believe for a second that you could really justify acting this way at all. As my brother said last night, the only way he feels men can get over things is to hate them, just a little bit. I don''t like it though, it makes it hard for me to move on.

My heart is on overdrive right now, it feels like i have a hollow gaping hole in my chest-up-to-my-throat area. :(

wrapped in piano strings

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 07:25:57 +0100

No real new news, same old frustrated and angry feelings. It was nice weather today though, and I did some of my christmas shopping. I was talking earlier this morning to my grandad the kind of guy i would like a relationship with, when I am capable of feeling anything towards anyone angain. I'm more of one of those girls that kind of like the whole older view of the men being strong and the man of the house kind of thing, of course i do like independence too but I think it is okay to depend a little bit on someone, and i like having that protector if ever need be, i like to feel safe when they are around, the whole damsel in distress idea appeals to me.

sat here feeling absolutely tired, i didn't get much sleep again, stressing out too much :(
There is this one guy (well many others but this one in particular) who told me he had feelings for me over fb, a couple weeks ago, i told him i didn't want a relationship with anyone right now because i'd just came out of a relationship, and yeah. But he hasn't left me alone since, he is acting all needy and like he is waiting on me trying to change my mind and it is overwhelming, and i mean like i'm nice to him, but i'm fucking nice to everyone and it is hard for me to tell someone to back off nicely. I mean i really want to be nice and just say i feel smothered, but i mean i put a status up the other night about something that was annoying/and how i wanted people just to fuck off sometimes when they are being horrible towards me and he bloody messaged me being all like "is that aimed at me blah blah" trying to make me feel bad ansdnkjsdhnfkjshdf and argh i said it was aimed in general to people, but ugh everytime i ost a status he is like .. there, and it is suffocating and it has gone past just being nice to just overwhelming. Plus, i work with him. ugh.

hhhhhh go away people :(

you got me tremblin'

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 13:00:54 +0100

So full of anger these days, I find myself wanting to just scream at someone, just take it out on everyone else around me. Instead I suppress that already suppressed anger I have lying around inside of me. I can actually give me huge headaches sometimes.

Christmas is coming, just incase no one actually knew that. You know, it is planted everywhere. I can't really seem to get myself into the christmas spirit, whatever that is. All I want to do is go down to a beach, for a couple of nights with a great bunch of friends and just chill and not worry about when we have to get back. But everyone always has work or something... and I need a big bunch of friends... haha. Sometimes I just long for those kind of friendships you see on tv or you hear in songs like "This afternoon" and "Photograph" by Nickelback, where not everything is run by sexual desire and intoxication. Where you can actually just hang out, and not have to feel like you have to get smashed and have sex with someone. Like recently I haven't drank much, I haven't even wanted to really since last time and what happened. But whenever I go out, I just feel like I should have sex with these people, and then I sort of lead it on, but recently I snap and just go into this sort of catatonic (sp) state and just feel horrible because I just know, and say "I don't really want to have sex with you" and feel bad because I led it all on. Probably thinking the worst of me, but .. yeah you probably should.

I'll be getting a laptop for xmas, so constant updates might come around if i really get back into this like my last account (LibertyyJadee) hhmm night from Australia x

waking up with no one

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 12:04:17 +0100

been feeling pretty alone and at my extreme lows recently. Those nights where you toss and turn, just thinking of all those things you should have said or want to say, that closure you just wish you could feel... or maybe it would never be closure at all. Maybe it would make it all so much worse. All you really want is to be okay, to not feel like not living all the time. It seems all too familiar, a while ago, all I used to blog about was a broken heart. Sometimes it is all I think I will feel. I wish it won't be, I hope. It is okay to have things end, just because they end doesn't mean they were always bad. What isn't okay with me is being unsure if it was all real or just a game, an experiment and the fact that it can feel so alien to even look at each other anymore. I know it wouldn't be great straight away, but there were one or two moments where I thought "I can do this, we are at least being pleasant." It changed all of a sudden, now it is cold stares and non-existance. Anyone else know that feeling? Ever had it done, you'd know how much it gets to you. To see someone you used to know so well, believe in, almost even look up too at times, turn into or reveal themselves to be something you can't even begin to understand or even want to be associated with. It is saddening.

Also, the other worst thing is not to know who you are anymore, or really remember when you ever did. Feeling lost, making stupid mistakes and decisions, feeling like you are floating between what you know and what you think.. some philosphical shit like that. I don't really know. I'm just rambling, which I do with great talent.

inevitable changes

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 07:07:59 +0100

I guess you could say I have changed quite a bit in the past almost two years. The first pic is of me on 15/12/2011 and the second one is of me in january of 2010. I don't mind myself changing, I just hate everything around me changing. Nothign feels settled down, it is all just pulling and shoving me around liek a rag doll :(

lets face it, this was never what you wanted;

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 06:51:23 +0100

it is safe to say, I have really lost my knack for blogging these days. I don't even really know where to start anymore, I used to have a lot to say and so much to look forward to... now all I have is a constant headache of trapped words scratching at the walls of my skull. So I will start with the basics... I was previously ( a very very long time ago) LibertyyJadee, I tried making a new account after my precious account got lost in the mayhem of piczo, it didn't work out for me so I decided to try yet again. Last time. I have changed a great deal over the past three years i think it has been since I first started my first ever piczo account. I am now 16 and a half, cynical and full of an anger I can't seem to get rid of. It is nothing personal, I have just grown a hate and a low tolerance for everything around me. Maybe that is a result of a broken heart and a broken family, but really I just say it is my own fault for the way I am and only I can change it. And for the time being, I have no motivation to change me back to who I really am.. whatever the fuck that is.

For some who never really heard of my old account, or have completely forgotten it ever existed, I enjoy art and acoustic music, that is about it (with the exception of Rise Against). Anyway, I'm still deciding whether I should be happy to be back on here, as I'm not happy about a lot of things these days, but we will see.