Been thinking for a very long time, only these past few months has it really come to me though. All i really long for is to feel safe, for this one person to come along and protect me and let me feel at ease around them. All these people who try, they just don't have that effect, they make me feel anxious and on edge because I know they just wouldn't understand what I mean. I want someone who won't push, and won't make me feel bad for things I do because of the way my mind is set, to make me feel safe within myself, that i'm not going to fuck it up or hurt myself. Emotionally and physically. And yes, there was only one person before this who managed, for a little bit, but soon enough I started to feel unsafe again. I like that feeling of walking through a bunch of people around my age, and just wanting a certain person there so I can feel protected, like i don't mean to sound clingy or needy. It isn't like that at all, but if you are reading this and thinking that you have no idea what i am saying and how stupid it sounds, chances are that you wouldn't know or ever understand. hh...

On another note, I literally packed my whole wardrobe in a bag for my five day Melbourne trip, wish i could just move over there already. And I am starving as tea hasn't been made and I haven't eaten much today.. or anything really. But i don't feel guilty, wish is silly. 

Went to the river in Murray Bridge today. Such a beautiful place, shame some of the people there give Murray Bridge and the rest of its' population a bad name! It was so sunny and me and my best friend Lauren and our Brazilian friend Ludmila (Lugi we call her) just laid on a picnic mat while listening to music. 
been finding it weird that my dailybooth keeps ending up 'logged out' when every other time it is logged in all the time. I mean it is always random, for weeks on end it is logged in, then one day it is logged out. I log back in, the next couple of days it is logged out again. so on. makes me think someone is going into it somehow, /paranoid lyfe.

I am very over school, like a hundred per-cent. The last couple of nights i have bawled my eyes out and felt pathetic about myself, (stupid I know) I just get thinking about how everything changed. There was this point in my life where everything I had fought for seemed like it was finally there and everything had smoothed out and only the odd general hiccup here and there. But then it went on a downward to fucking up, and i just wonder why.. obviously there are answers but none that really can take blame because to me, things just happen. But just makes me feel like my right to this happiness that i had tried so hard for was taken out from me, because of me and everyone and life, I guess it was 'sposed to happen in a way, not like fate or destiny, but it just happened maybe. It is something I will spend years trying to make sense of, why things just happen.. or are set to happen?

Feeling so, unhappy today. Finding something to wear, just for being at home, is a nightmare for me now. I don't feel comfortable or good in anything, i feel podgy everywhere and I just am breaking down in tears in each time. I want to be over with. I never have felt like this, no wonder I'm alone. 

So don't worry darling, I hate me too and I can see where you are coming from now.

I hate it when people push me, push and push and sometimes they don't even realize they are because that is just how my mind works. But in my head they just seem to selfish and self centered about what they want, that is why they push and don't listen to a word i say. I try to be nice, but then they lay that emotional blackmail on me to make me feel sorry or to feel bad, though you confront them they act as if that was not their intention at all but I see through that.
That is one of the reasons I liked being unavailable to someone I loved, because people would back off and leave me alone and not push and push and make me want to shoot myself in the temple. I have this one guy, constantly inappropriate, rude, selfish and crude. Last time I really spoke to him I told him to piss off because he just was making me so frustrated after I tried several times to be polite. My mum says I should just stop being so nice to people who don't deserve it. I try, but it isn't my nature.. which people take advantage of. The other one is okay at times, the thing which annoys me is constantly he is like "Have i done something wrong, i said something stupid, i'm so sorry i don't want to hurt you anymore" 

..I mean fuck, we AREN'T in a relationship. I could care less about what you say, really. Just because I don't reply straight away. I told him to stop being so paranoid and that sometimes i just don't want to talk to anyone via message. Before that i also have had chats to him about things he is doing to annoy me which he needed to stop (because i don't mind being friends in that acquaintance sense) but it still does nothing and I get so annoyed. What I really want to say to him when he gets all emotional is "don't keep thinking i am upset because of you, because i'm not, you actually would have to mean something to me to hurt me and you don't, so please, shut the fuck up" but i don't think I can be so harsh, but soon enough i feel i will have to be. So I am just ignoring both of them right now, because i'm always trying to appease other people and keep them happy, and right now i'm having petty annoyances from them. I have so much other shit going on, with stupid family, they can fucking wait or piss off in general.

I may be such a bitch, but you know. That is what fucking years of people taking you for granted does to your tolerance and patience and kindness.

People blaming other people for the same qualities we all have. It is always someone else's fault, never our own. The day this society grows up is the day people take responsibility for their own selves. It truly frustrates me, and in saying this i'm exactly like everyone else but for now I admit that and accept it, i'm not even going to try justify it. < that was my little rant on Facebook the other night, after reading yet another pointless but continuously frustrating fight. Yes the fight was none of my business, I was just reading it, I wouldn't get involved because I'm already enough of a hypocrite sometimes.. which is what I mean by "people blaming people for the same qualities we all have" I mean we all can be hypocrites, self centered, shallow, double standard and contradicting, but  no one ever wants to take responsibility. They go around giving it out to people, but won't admit to it themselves. You see, I wouldn't be bothered by these petty fights (I shouldn't be bothered anyway but that is just me and my never ending frustration with the human race) if maybe the people giving it could take it also, and not blame the other person and act innocent. I'm sort of friends/friendly acquaintances, with this one person who started the fight, and I haven't said anything because it isn't my place to say anything but i'm just silently thinking of how immature it really was. She started on this girl who used to be her friend, i have no idea why she hates her all of a sudden, but some of the girls at my school were sat there just pushing it on with her, firing up the storm. Then she comments on this girls photo, something rude. Then writes a status tagging this girl in it and it had like over 100 comments. But the one who started it kept saying "you could have just ignored it, untagged yourself, message me to take it down, you make status's about me so, you're so attention seeking by commenting on this acting all sad" etc etc. And I just thought, yeah she could have, that is one thing. But this girl could have not said anything at all! It was completely pointless and cruel, they all were ganging up on her and being immature.

So that is why i hate people. I mean no one takes responsibility for their actions, it is always someone else's fault, and that frustrates me!